I live in just about the hippest neighborhood in America. The heart of the art/music/night life scene. Everyone is dressed in cutting edge fashion-- the kind fashion designers steal-- excuse me, are inspired by. Everyone has spiky hair, or retro hair, or retro shoes, or spiky shoes. Or all of the above. Everyone knows where to go and who to speak to. Clubs open late, close later. Drugs and drink and sex. People hang in cafes, in bars, on street corners. Even the subway is a fashion show, a who-you-know, an underground (literally) club with live music.

Cool of cool.

I look around and wonder what the hell is going on.

Why is being an artist all about what you look like, where you drink, who you know? I know that art and music and theater and dance are not all about the surface. Art takes hard work, and a lot of thought, and dedication, and soul. How did it get translated into shallowness and "cool?" Scene?

I'm pretty mystified as to how all this works. Give me a picture to paint, and I'll do it. I'll read my poems. I'll sing a song. I'll even act in a play or dance in a show. Isn't that what it takes to be an artist? So then, why all the show? It's like Barnum and Bailey. It's all about the hype.

I'll call myself on my own hypocrisy.

I fit in. The hair and make up. Spiky retro spiky. But I don't want to forget that I'm not selling rabbits being pulled out of a hat. Maybe I've got a little flash and dazzle, but I want to remember that magic is real, and that's what is going on when I paint.

I've decided that I don't want to be sarcastic and pessimistic about everything. I don't want to go for dry, tongue-in-cheek diatribes about how everything sucks. I see it everywhere, and that is what is "cool." To put down everyone else's flaws and foibles--

--Which is what I'm doing now. Except I'm diatribing the diatribes.

I don't think everything sucks. Diatribes can be funny or insightful. And sometimes cool is just, well.. cool.

Maybe I'm just really afraid that I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I'm afraid that I'm a little bit of a geek and not cool enough myself. Or maybe I'm really afraid to admit to people that I do believe in magic, and in hope, and in happy ever fucking after-- what if they think then that I'm the sap? Maybe I'm afraid I'm boring or talk too much or have nothing of interest to say in the first place.

It's much easier to make yourself superior to other people, to laugh at people and put them down, than admit your own fear. Not YOU. ME. That's what I'm doing. Talking about how superficial they all are, and how I am so righteous to be real. Maybe I'm just as full of it as they are. Look at me, I have to keep catching my own bullshit.

I can't be worried about following fashions. I can't be worried about being everything but fashionable. None of that is real. I've just gotta go by what feels right, and if it's not popular, oh well, at least it'll be true to me.

It's a lot harder to do that than it seems. And really scary, too.