Last night was our final WE meeting. WE is, was my women's group. Women Empowered through Reflection and Creativity. We've been doing it for three years or so. It's been pretty powerful, being a part of it, and also being one of the leaders.

It's been pretty confrontational, too. Confrontational about my own ambitions and expectations, my needs and identity.

See, it just started out as a bunch of women getting together to explore themselves and their own creativity. A lot of us were teachers. We began the group shortly after the World Trade Center went down, and I think a lot of us were looking for something more.

In the beginning, the group was just about exploring and expressing, but as we went on, and the group changed form and members, I found myself wanting more from the group, more from myself. I began to take on more of a leadership role.
I began to think that I could do something here. There was something important going on. We were using creativity-- painting, writing, poetry, story telling, dance, skits, movement, journals, all of it-- to understand who we were, to reach our goals, to explore our potential. This was a great, and meaningful idea.

As the years went on, the group settled into a pretty steady group of women, and we went into some serious territory-- parents, fear, sex, body image, forgiveness. Using art and journaling and discussion and meditation to dive deep and make realizations and have breakthroughs.

But I was changing, too. I think in part because of the group, but also because I was growing, growing into my life, into the life I wanted, and out of the life I already had.

I was teaching, and feeling trapped there. I wanted to be a writer and an artist, and I had no idea how to manage that.

I think, for a while, I was trying to make my group become what I needed so that I could reach my goals of being an artist. Now, if you think about it, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing-- we were there to support eachother, and that was the kind of support I needed, but I think I forgot something.

In my belief that everyone can be an artist, and everyone is creative by their nature, and the arts are an important aspect of being a human, I think I may have forgotten that not everyone wants to BE an artist. And I mean Artist, with a capital A.

Becoming, being, an artist is a choice. It is about dedicating yourself to that path. I wanted to walk down that path, and I think I sometimes expected the members of my group to walk down the path with me-- despite the fact that they had all of their own paths to tread. I was very dissappointed, and felt unsupported when they didn't want to go with me. Sometimes they fought me, hard.

And you know what? The group DID change. We did start taking ART more seriously. It did start to head towards an art group, not an empowerment group.

I got a lot out of that. I created this art book that really helped me to go deep into myself, have break throughs, and grow into my new skin. And at least one other person did the same, coming to the realization, long buried, that she , too, wanted to BE and Artist. But the group fell apart.

It seems it was too much commitment. Too much work. Too much homework.

And not enough of their lives.

So, after the last meeting, I've come to the realization that perhaps I forgot what I wanted to give other people while I was so busy trying to reach what I wanted for myself. I still believe that art and reflection can give to people a deeper understanding of their own lives. I still believe that it's really important. Honestly, I use all the techniques I teach people to create my own art.

I don't know if we will start up another WE-- Women Empowered through Creativity and Reflection. We probably will. I'm almost glad, though, that the last one has ended. The fact that it did end, that I could look at it, not from deep inside the politics and emotions of the group, but rather from a distance, is what helped me understand a little bit more about how the group-- running it and being a part of it-- has helped me grow into me.